The general consensus was that I was being too hard on myself and that I would only continue to attract things that made me unhappy if I kept putting those thoughts 'out there'... and this blog is OUT THERE!
My response to that is; Project Grace 2010 is providing me a forum to air my thoughts and feelings honestly as I go through this transformational journey to the big '4-0'. I am not censoring myself. I am being authentically me as I tread this path.
Sadly, being me means that at times I am hard on myself. I can berate myself so heavily that I truly struggle to get out of bed. I have more days like that than I care to admit... and by not admitting it, I suffer alone and in silence.
Interestingly my recent 'down day' was short lived, which is great considering the genesis of this project sprung out of a series of 'down weeks'. Having discussed my state openly gave me freedom. Sharing it with you gave me perspective. Before long I was able to laugh at myself... in a way that is healthy - not brutal... and move on.
I was back at the gym early today and I felt brilliant. Physiologically I could not have changed all that much in two days, but emotionally I have. I did not feel like a hippo, I felt like a gazelle - and the floor-to-ceiling mirrors were also kind as they showed me someone who looked fabulous.
How we feel about ourselves is a state of mind. No matter what our age, height, weight, looks, wealth, health, education, intellect or abilities - it's what we tell ourselves about ourselves that shape our views.
I can't help wondering... had I refrained from being honest with you, how much more of my soul would I have eroded with these self-loathing judgements ...?
Thank you for emailing, messaging, commenting and phoning to tell me that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Thank you for sticking up for me when all I wanted to do was beat me. Thank you for reminding me why I am good enough to have you in my life. Thank you. Thank you.
ps. I was instructed to stop posting 'fat ugly' photos of me and 3-tonne bovines. Instead, I am to post nothing but beautiful, inspiring pictures of the way I visualise myself to be. I was also encouraged to use Photoshop in order to create positive images. Well if that's not waving a red flag to a bull I don't know what is. Knowing my whacky sense of humour ... I just COULDN'T resist the temptation (see pic). In the words of Cher, "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way..." Say no more.